Friday, January 13, 2012

3 in a row

3 in a row
busy days at work.
 I welcome a few days off before I go back for 3 more.
Sometimes my job is so great for my family (gone only 3 nights a week and only at night)  but sometimes it is so not great.
Nursing is crazy (just like police officers,docs, firefighters, EMT,etc).
We can be creatures of the night. When you are asleep- we are at work,
when you are waking for the day, we are arriving at work saving a life, bringing a life into the world,
helping someone cope with loss of life....
It is a constant mental and physical battle...sometimes on our feet the entire shift...hardly
a meal, no time to pee and you have to think, be quick, critical thinking, good judgement and a smile on our face for family and visitors.

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I fear that my family doesn't always get that kind of devotion, dedication.
Many times when I get home... I am spent, sometimes it's like there is nothing left...
AND they deserve the more.
Sure, I can "buck up" and deal with lack of sleep, plop on the floor for legos and kisses or listen
to J tell me something the kids did the night before but am I fully present ? am I there for them the way I focus on a mamma and her baby when I am coaching her to push or telling her that although she imagined a beautiful, natural delivery- her baby won't tolerate labor any longer and we are headed to the O.R. for a c section?

I think the answer most of the time is NO....and that makes me a bit ashamed.
Of course I want to provide the best care for my patients...I took an oath, I worked hard for that license and I truly believe that God put me into nursing for a reason BUT
my babies and my J . They are home, my comfort and safe place to fall after the exhaustion and adrenline of the shift....they are my past and my future.
I feel like I need to work a bit harder to nourish that, to be a better wife and momma.
Instead of feeling pulled and overwhelmed, instead of thinking that so much is falling on me and Im so tired (i wonder how many times a week i say that?...thats my next tally how much i say it)

I am just going to try to "be there".
Be fully present in the moment at matter how tired I am.