Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Helllllo Ding Dong

So i have attempted to post a few times since my last one but each time, i stop.
Nothing that i begin to type sounds right.
Im not sure if what i write tonight will sound right or not and this could get lengthy.
Here i go...
I have been in a bit of a funk lately. (and to top it off luke has been sick but thats another post)

In my last post i mentioned a weekend full of birthdays. My mom's and lukes birthday. I also mentioned in a previoius post my "barb-ing" out when i have a lot to do and i get stressed. (to learn what "barb-ing out" is see that post Here)

I felt stressed by bday planning, some financial business and my kids.
Not stressed because they (the kids) were acting like APES but stressed because Brady has been home with me for the last two weeks on Spring Break.
We had fun. I learned more about my oldest, who is growing so fast.
I really enjoyed conversation, projects and adventures we had.
I was not ready for him to go back to school.
I was sad. (I even told him, jokingly that he can't go back to school. He needs to stay with me for more adventures. He said "mom, i have to go to school. I don't even know what 1x1 is!")

Along with feeling the stress and sadness of Brady heading back to school,
Luke my little hurricaine, turned two years old.

I am having issues with these things.
I have felt some sadness with other birthdays or returning to school but these hit me hard.
I have done a little bit of thinking and this is what i have come up with.

*I think one reason is that over the last year or so i am finally at a point where i have the ability to really focus on my kids when we are together (no school, no pregnancy, no new job to distract me- just life). This something that i need to work on. Life gets so busy but those some of those things can wait!

*I think another reason is i have a friend who had a loss late in her pregnancy, twins. The loss for her has been an unspeakable pain. She has walked through something no parent should have to. Through her tremendous pain, she has held on to Him. To God. I don't know how anyone can deal with pain like that without Him. I was one of the nurses who was with her for her delivery. I was able to meet her precious babies, hold them and pray over them. It had a profound impact on me, as a nurse and as a mom. As a mamma, her little angels have reminded me to hold my babies a little tighter, take advantage of my moments with them. God is sovereign.

* Another friend suffered an early loss in her pregnancy. This friend is the little sister i never had.

*We had numerous sad situations at work this last year. Heartbreaking, painful things for families.
I know in my line of work, i see women all of the time who have suffered miscarriage, stillbirth, loss, etc. but at this time, at these moments, i am reminded of God sovereignty. Gods power. He is in control.....which leads me to my last thought about my sadness regarding my boys growing up.

*I always wanted 4 children. Then as i got a bit older and life happened, i thought that 3 would be fine and im not sure if that will happen. I never felt like i was finished having children with 2 BUT luke is getting to a stage where he is easier, im no spring chicken anymore and J. is not 100% on board with the idea of another one. This has been weighing on my mind. It has been bothering me that my luke might be my last babe to snuggle. 
Then it dawned on me.. Hellllooooo ding dong- He is in control. He has a plan. We can pray and ask God for what we want but he can give us something better. He can give us what we need. He might not reveal himself in the ways that we want or the ways that we think he should but He can give us the strength and courage to deal with it.
So although... this has been a bit of a funk and ive been a little sad lately, I WILL try harder to take advantage of the time i have with my little peeps and not be such a ding dong.
He has a plan.

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