stripped

grief, sadness, thoughts churning..

I have a heavy heart tonight, thinking of a friend going through something difficult and getting ready to have it placed in front of her once again tomorrow.

(in fact i have a few friends that have had extremely difficult times recently)

I am a nurse, i want to make it all better, i can't.

i have had many, many prayers for these friends recently.

i know God is listening, i know this is part of His plan..

BUT i am sitll wrapped in sadness and sometimes questioning..why?

honestly, it has hit me hard these last few months...

tonight i sit with my thoughts and prayers.

 i can maybe be a comfort to these friends with words, prayers, lending an ear...

i want to make it all better, i can't.

Have you ever had your heart hurt, i mean really hurt for someone?

Have you felt stripped of control because you want to help and you can't?

God may reveal in ways we don't want, like or in a way we would never ask...

"Rejoice in the lord always; again i will say, Rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.

The Lord is at hand;do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer

and supplication with thanksgivng let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of God, wich surpasses all understanding,

 will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jeasus."

Philippians 4: 4-7

i want to make it all better, i can't.

Gullah Church in the lowcountry of South Carolina 2007

3 in a row

3 in a row

busy days at work.

 I welcome a few days off before I go back for 3 more.

Sometimes my job is so great for my family (gone only 3 nights a week and only at night)  but sometimes it is so not great.

Nursing is crazy (just like police officers,docs, firefighters, EMT,etc).

We can be creatures of the night. When you are asleep- we are at work,

when you are waking for the day, we are arriving at work saving a life, bringing a life into the world,

helping someone cope with loss of life....

It is a constant mental and physical battle...sometimes on our feet the entire shift...hardly

a meal, no time to pee and you have to think, be quick, critical thinking, good judgement and a smile on our face for family and visitors.

I fear that my family doesn't always get that kind of devotion, dedication.

Many times when I get home... I am spent, sometimes it's like there is nothing left...

AND they deserve the more.

Sure, I can "buck up" and deal with lack of sleep, plop on the floor for legos and kisses or listen

to J tell me something the kids did the night before but am I fully present ? am I there for them the way I focus on a mamma and her baby when I am coaching her to push or telling her that although she imagined a beautiful, natural delivery- her baby won't tolerate labor any longer and we are headed to the O.R. for a c section?

I think the answer most of the time is NO....and that makes me a bit ashamed.

Of course I want to provide the best care for my patients...I took an oath, I worked hard for that license and I truly believe that God put me into nursing for a reason BUT

my babies and my J are...me . They are home, my comfort and safe place to fall after the exhaustion and adrenline of the shift....they are my past and my future.

I feel like I need to work a bit harder to nourish that, to be a better wife and momma.

Instead of feeling pulled and overwhelmed, instead of thinking that so much is falling on me and Im so tired (i wonder how many times a week i say that?...thats my next project..to tally how much i say it)

I am just going to try to "be there".

Be fully present in the moment at home..no matter how tired I am.

The Job

I wrote a little diddy about my job and how I ended up there under Nurses Notes, check it out.

More on me

Who am I
I am Kate. I am a child of God. I am a wife to J,”Mr. right-now” a “rock star” for almost 10 yrs. I am a mother to Brady (7) and Luke (21 mos)..more on them later.
I am a nurse. A labor and delivery nurse. I Love my job. I am a bit OCD and a bit ADD all at the same time. I love photography. I am obsessed with my camera and it is always with me, although I really know very little about photography. (more on the camera later too). I’d like to say that I am crafty but most of my ideas I borrow from others. I am a little creative but I really just enjoy the craft store and doing DIY with my kiddos...I am usually not the creator of the projects, just the excecutor. I like to cook when there is no pressure on & no deadline to make (i.e. Luke is whining at my feet saying “eat, eat” “please, please” over and over and over). I really like to bake more than cook. I like to write/ journal but I usually don’t use proper grammar, paragraphs or punctuation…it takes too much thought for me….I make dots…dashes- between thoughts. I love diet coke and coffee loaded with foo foo creamer (hey, I am a night nurse- I need caffeine). I love sleep but never get enough of it and I am super crabby when I wake up..no matter what time it is. Sometimes I care too much what others think but I still never get my hair highlighted before my roots are showing. Sometimes I don’t care enough what others think and I can get a bit loud or bossy. I love to sing and dance but am horrible at both. I love children. I love babies and would have a house full (but I am no spring chicken anymore) I love antiques. I love the country and dream of living in a farm house with a kitchen that has a farmhouse sink with an apron front, subway tiles and butcher block counter tops. Sigh.